Treatment Part 1 IT'S NOT GOOD NEWS

Playing the waiting game

Just two weeks after that day in Ambulatory Care I found myself back in that room waiting for the results of my Biopsy with my Mum, Dad and Grandma, praying that I was wrong and hoping that it was something, anything else but Cancer.

Your results

“Im sorry Miss Bagarone, you have Hodgkins Lymphoma, it’s a type of Cancer and only treatable with Chemotherapy”

Pow, bang wallop!! “Please try not to worry because of all the Cancers to get, this is by far the best one, it’s the most responsive to treatment and has the most success rate of never coming back” Another smack in the moosh but this time round I didn’t cry straight away, I had prepared myself for this news so I wasn’t shocked. The doctor explained that I would now be referred to the Hematologist in a couple of hours who would talk me through the whole thing and explain in more detail what we needed to do. I was grateful for that, knowing that I would be able to speak to a specialist, to be able to get all the information I needed to properly get my head round the facts and to learn what was about to happen to me.

The following things ran through my head over and over:

‘Am I going to die, is my hair going to fall out, how do I tell my friends, will I still be able to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, can I still go on holiday’

Lols, priorities right. Your head falls off and logic goes out the window. Dr Rismani and his right hand man Adam Belton were actual knights in shining armor, I am so bloody grateful I was lucky enough to be looked after by them, they instantly made me feel safe, in good hands and although what they were about to tell me was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to comprehend, they somehow made me feel like it was all going to be ok.

Dr Ali again explained that of all the Cancers to get, this really was the best one, he had no doubt in his mind that my Cancer would go away and stay away which instantly answered my first question of was I going to die. In that one short sentence I had wholeheartedly understood what he had said, I was going to be ok. Even though you never want to hear the words you have Cancer, the next words you do want to hear is ‘You will beat this’ and he had answered that for me, I was going to be ok and I chose to hold on to those words and never let doubt get in, from that moment on, I had to tell myself I was lucky and that everything would be ok.

He explained that they thought I was stage 3 or 4 and that I’d need to have a PET scan to determine this for sure. He then went on to say that even people who are stage 4 still have great results from Chemotherapy, that they get the all clear and generally, stay clear. This was so reassuring, it meant that this type of Cancer does not tend to come back and again I was grateful for this because once you’ve been diagnosed with Cancer, the thing you fear most is that it will just keep coming back and trust me ‘Aint nobody got time for that!!’

He told me that the type of chemo I would need would be ABVD, a cocktail of four drugs that would be specifically made up for me the morning of my chemo. This surprised me as I had just imagined everyone gets the same chemo but really this makes more sense. Everyone's Cancer is at different stages, your white and red blood cells are all at different levels and so is your health, we are all so different and so our chemo should be specifically made to fit us.

Getting prepared

My absolute babe Rosa had told me to prepare a list of questions to ask the specialist so that I had a good idea of what I needed to know and so that I didn’t forget given the madness of what I had just been told, its not every day someone drops the C bomb on ya now is it. My list was long and in my head the most important after the ‘Will I live?’ part was ‘Is my hair going to fall out?’ which for any woman is a mother effing nightmare in this shit storm. Our hair is a symbol of our femininity and for some makes us feel ultimately beautiful. For me it has been my total security blanket my whole life. I would rarely leave my house with my hair up, its been long since I was 5, bare a moment of madness when I turned 10 and begged mum to let me chop it, she told me not to and that was one of those times I really wished I had listened to her! #mumsknowbest I regretted that decision instantly and cried myself to sleep for weeks!

Since then I’ve basically had the same hairstyle and colour for 30 odd years. The thought of losing it was horrific to me and then OOOSH!! I got the answer I didn’t want:

'Yes, i'm afraid your hair will 100% fall out and no you cannot have a cold cap because the type of chemo you will need does not pair well with the cap, I am very sorry'

Tears... little ones mind but tears that as much as I wanted to hold back for fear of looking like a total vain bitch, I could not. My Grandma held my hand and I pulled myself together ‘It's just hair Za, it will grow back, you can do this, be strong!’ I also didn’t want to lose it in front of my Mum and Dad because lets face it, no parent wants to see their child upset especially when there’s F#*k all they can do to help. I wanted to be strong for them as well as myself.

Next and for most woman at my age would probably have been higher up on the list than hair, was ‘Will I be able to freeze my eggs?’ I hadn’t even thought of this but Rosa had pointed out that chemo can destroy them and that you can ask to have them frozen before you start treatment, so that in the worst case scenario, if chemo does kill your ovaries you will have some eggs chillaxing in a freezer somewhere fancy for when you need them later on.

Another blow

“I'm so sorry Zara, its too late to freeze your eggs, we need you to start chemo as soon as possible and the freezing process takes 6 weeks, I cannot recommend you wait, i'm very sorry” More tears!

Children have never been at the forefront of my mind, they weren’t high on the list of fun. I figured i'd have them one day but they have never been my priority, instead opting to live my life as much as possible before planning to make mini me’s. Having worked in childcare and nannying for years I had insider knowledge on seeing first hand how much graft they take, having kids is no walk in the park and I wanted to get my life in check before even contemplating bringing little un’s into the picture. But when someone tells you you might not be able to have them you feel robbed. So maybe I wasn’t sure I defo wanted kids but damn you for taking that option away from me, that’s not fair!! Angry tears came this time, I was pissed off and hurt all at the same time.

A little quiet moment pass, I gathered my shit, stopped my tears and asked the Doctor if there was another option.

Yes! Finally, some bloody good news!! He explained that there was a drug that is given to younger girls going through chemo, he wasn’t too sure of how well this option would work for me because of my age but that it was an option nonetheless. He explained that I could have an injection once a month which would basically put my ovaries to sleep and therefore hopefully stops the chemo from killing them. This would however mean I run the risk of going into early menopause and that my ovaries my not wake up after we stop the injections.

Great... but fuck it

This was still a tiny bit of hope and it reassured me, even though the information given wasn’t too promising and the idea of going into early menopause was a total shocker on top of getting Cancer, I was strangely calm, my focus now was living and getting rid of this awful disease, I couldn’t worry about a baby I didn’t even know I wanted just yet, I just had to focus on getting well.

A very beautiful friend once told to me ‘What was meant for you won't pass you by’ and I’ve held that thought in my head this whole time. If I was meant to be a mum I will be. Deep down I think I will, so i'm going to hold onto that possi vibe because actually I think I’d be a bloody brilliant Mum.

Dr A talked some more about how chemo would work and that I’d need 6 rounds consisting of two sessions each, meaning 12 actual visits to the hospital and that I’d basically be living my life having one good week and one bad until the chemo was done. Everyone is different but the chemo symptoms would basically consist of tiredness, nausea, possible headaches, mouth sores, heartburn, indigestion, constipation, and diarrhea, FABULOUS AY!

I was kind of listening at this point but not really, I had drifted off trying to compute all the other info I had been given up until now. I also knew my Mum and Dad were taking notes and asking their own questions, so it was ok to lose focus for a bit. Then Dr A wrapped up our session, told me I could contact him or Adam at any time should I have any questions at all, gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be ok. I felt numb, but I smiled, hugged him back and we left.

#cancer #hodgkinslymphoma #chemotherapy #ABVD #PETSCAN #fertility #triptorelin