I GOT THIS
- Zara Bagarone
- Nov 4, 2018
- 10 min read
Updated: Nov 23, 2018

What happens after you get diagnosed with Cancer will be completely different for everyone, each person going through this shit show will have to come to terms with it in their own way and so too will the people around them. I have never felt as loved as I did in those weeks after diagnosis then I have in my whole entire life and for that I will always be eternally grateful.
Friends and family rallied round me and it felt wonderful. Some people find it hard to talk about the “C” word, their first thoughts being death and not knowing what to say to you in case that’s what’s going to happen and that’s fair enough, nobody wants to look you in the face and say “Shit babes, are you gonna Die?!’
I knew as soon as I’d been diagnosed and once I’d told the fam and all my besties, that I also wanted to quickly tell everyone else. I didn’t want to have that awkward convo every time I bumped into an old friend, it's way too awks, you know the ‘Oh hey babes hows tricks?’ Erm ‘Well babes, I just got diagnosed with Cancer, it's total shit sandwich but don’t worry, the docs have said that of all the ones you can get, this is like totally the best one to have’.
Can you imagine having to do that convo over and over again and having to reassure people, it's ok and your not going to die. #nothanksbabes
So after a night in, when all my girlies came round to help cheer me up and talk it all out, I decided to make good use of Insta stories (Instagram is life right) and put my news out there.
I simply said how it was, that I had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s and that it was nothing to worry about as the docs had said I was going to be totally fine. That yes, I was going to be a bit sick for the next 6 months but that I still wanted to be invited to things (FOMO always!) and that I didn’t want people to leave me out just because I was ill.
It was very freeing knowing it was out there for everyone to see and I knew once people had watched it, it would then remove those awkward face to face chats of me having to reassure people I wasn’t going anywhere, espesh not to see the big man upstairs.
Immediately I got so many messages, my phone was popping off!! If i'm honest it was a little overwhelming, I thought I may have gotten a couple of messages but there were so many I couldn’t respond to them all in one night. I tried my best to because despite me saying I was going to be fine, people were still worried and I didn’t want them to have to wait to hear it was ok.
Whilst it was scary putting out there i'm so glad I did because the levels of support were so amazing, it was all of those messages that helped keep my head straight, knowing I had so many friends who wanted me to be ok was such a lovely feeling. All those good vibes, well wishes and love helped me get my head in the game and focus my mind on getting through the next step which was getting my arse ready for Chemo combat, Chun Li style!
Chemo Combat
Looking back now I know I went into Chemo with the right mindset, I was prepared and ready to take on the challenge, I was channeling Beyoncé pre Coachella, FIERCE! Head held high, game face on, I GOT THIS!
My next mission was to get my arse into gear prepping every aspect of my life to be Zen AF. I wanted everything around me to be ultimate comfort and ease, no messing about. It was like prepping for your hols, new outfits for chemo had to be sourced, new PJS for lounging, new haircut, even got my eyebrows did, totes necessary if you think the bleedin things are gonna fall off. I bought new bedding (Egyptian cotton, obvs!) a new duvet, new pillows, plants the lot! My flatmates and boyfriend even painted my bedroom all fresh white, like my very own episode of DIY SOS, they bashed it out in one day, legends! So, it felt totally bright and clean and well, new. I was going to be able to chill my beans to the absolute max in that room no matter how sick the bastard chemo made me and that was and is still the case, my room is the total Zen Zone.
However, even Queen Bey couldn’t keep up the diva in a Chemo lounge, that amazing yet wickedly brutal drug will break down even the most awesome of intentions. Due to its cumulative effects, the further into treatment you get the harder it becomes and its not through want of trying, I had every intention of staying as possi as day one but it wouldn’t let me. You cant beat Chemo you see, you merely deal with it, suck it up as best you can and power through.
Chemotherapy...
is basically a mixture of badass drugs that work by targeting your rapid growing cells
such as the cancerous one and stopping or slowing down their growth. But sadly whilst its fighting the good fight to destroy those pesky cancerous cells its also attacking your other more happy rapid growing cells, like your hair, your nails, skin and intestine. The Type and Stage of the Cancer will also dictate how strong your chemo will be and whether the chemo will need to be combined with other treatments, like radiotherapy, surgery and hormone or biological therapies.
Hodgkins Lymphoma
Also known as Hodgkins Disease (HD) is a type of Blood Cancer that starts in the Lymphatic system. It originates in white blood cells that help protect you from germs and infections. When you have Hodgkins your cells grow abnormally and spread beyond the lymphatic system but as the disease progresses, it makes it more difficult for your body to fight infections. The type of chemo drugs used to battle HD are ABVD, Adoxorubicin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine. All pretty toxic sounding drugs if you ask me.
The typical treatment for HD is 4 rounds of Chemo and 2 rounds of Radiotherapy but as I was Stage 2 my Doctor thought the best course of action for me was just to have 6 rounds of Chemo, he didn’t think it necessary for me to do Radio and man, I definately wasn’t going to argue for it. Each round of chemo is broken down into 2 sessions. Mine were every other Wednesday. This basically meant I was living my 6 months in a Good week Bad week cycle. It typically takes you a week to get over the short-term side effects, and allows your body a week’s rest in order to get ready for the next session when then the bleeding shitshow starts all over again.
Chemo realities

Now, in my mind I was obviously wanting my Chemo experience to be like that classically unreal scene in Sex and the City, you know the one where the girls are all sat round Samantha, wearing ridiculously over the top outfits, laughing their little socks off at her cheeky American bants with the Nurse, all whilst sucking on ice pops BUT alas the reality didn’t quite match.
My Chemo lounge was just a typical ward, 9 cubicles separated by dividing curtains, which were only closed when privacy was needed/wanted, each cubicle containing a large reclining chair and two chairs for guests. BASIC! But clean and pleasant enough, well as pleasant as a place that pumps you full of toxicity, whilst surrounded by a slightly morbid atmosphere can be.
I was lucky, my ward was chilled and untypically quiet. There were never more then 6 of us in at one time and whilst most of the other patients were mostly gorgey golden oldies, I never felt uncomfortable or like I didn’t belong. Let's face it, its not exactly a club that anyone wants to belong to but once you’re in it all those who have also had the misfortune of becoming a member have this quiet respect and empathy for each other. Although, I do wish one of my fellow C club members had spoken up and told me about that badboy Lorazepam, I could’ve done with that chill your beans shiz way sooner then Doc R had prescribed it to me #LsaregoodLsaregood
Its amazing how you adapt to what is essentially poison being poured down your veins for 4 hours. You get used to although never adore, the shitty tastes the drugs cause from that day for the next few to come. You even become accustomed to the seemingly never ending beeps of the drip device located conveniently by your head but the one thing I found hardest to deal with was the pain the drugs began to cause the further down the line I got. I had been warned about this but nothing could’ve prepared me for it and whilst everyone is different, this was the one thing I struggled with. However these things all became my bi- weekly reality and all I could do was prepare myself, pack my bitching chemo back pack full of cute yet necessary distractions, head into each session with my game face on, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and knuckle through.
For me, Chemo symptoms were mild to start with, I couldn’t quite believe how easy I found the first round, it barely touched the sides in comparison to the end but i'm not sure what I expected really. I had this image of myself sprawled on the bathroom floor, sweating and hurling my guts up into the toilet pan but I think that’s just because of how Cancer and chemotherapy are portrayed in the media. Understandably, the charity adverts must show the real extreme symptoms of someone who finds themselves in a cancer hell hole, so as to provoke empathy and kindness for people to make donations but it is these adverts that also strike fear into anyone who is actually about to start their own journey.
This wasn’t the case for me, my chemo symptoms were very minimal to start with, just real fatigue, mild nausea, a jittery feeling and wobbly legs for Round 1.
By Round 2, my symptoms got stronger but not in a spewing your lunch up kinda vibe, it came in the form of heartburn, acid reflux and really bad bloating. However, I could still get out and about, I just had to take things slow.
Then came the BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!
Getting the ALL CLEAR: After I had completed round 2B I had another PET scan to see how well I had responded to treatment. Dr R had said in my diagnosis consultation that he expected my Cancer to be gone by the end of round 2 but even with him saying that and especially as I had told myself to believe it. I was still shocked that he was actually right. I just didn’t think it could happen that fast but boy was I glad that it did. As soon as the words ‘You're all clear’ came out of his mouth, my jaw dropped and I looked at him stunned, turned to my friend Jules and saw the tears in her eyes, looked back at the Doc and couldn’t speak.
I was shocked and happy and overwhelmed and well pretty much just ALL of the emotions came except tears. For some reason I was holding them back until Dr R very kindly said ‘It's ok, you can cry’ and then I looked back at Jules and we blubbed our bleedin hearts out! It was a very magical moment! I will never forget that day.
I had been a calm queen up until that point fighting hard to keep my emotions in check and battle that fucking beast that had planted itself in my chest. I was focused and determined to stay positive and get it the hell out of my body but in doing so I hadn’t stopped to allow myself to process the fact that I actually had Cancer. Like what the actual F has just happened, one minute I had a small pains in my neck, the next I had a massive lump on my chest and then I had Cancer, it was all one big blur when I look back but I had done what I set out to do and the Cancer had gone.
Now all I had to do was get through the next four months of Chemo. But that’s no mean feat, Chemo does exactly what it says on the tin. It kills you from the inside out and gets harder the further you get in. You can’t get good at chemo, you just get better at realising you have to let it do its thing and come to terms with that instead of fighting it.
By the end of Round 3 I had started to feel sick even before I had sat in the chair, got in the cab, or left my house. It seemed to get earlier and earlier with each session, I was even feeling sick the night before, actual gag reflex, wretchey Mc wretch face, sick. I later found out this was quite common and called Anticipatory Nausea, a mixture of Anxiety and your body knowing its about to take the metaphorical battering of ten rounds with Mike Tyson.
One of my sessions was so bad, my veins were in terrible pain from start to finish and I was constantly having to stop myself from hurling my guts up. One of the new the nurses actually recommended I thought about getting a PIC line fitted as he thought it could help ease the pain and possibly help with the Nausea but my Doc was having none of it, it was way too far down the line, for me to risk the side effects of having one fitted so he compromised and brought me that JOY of JOYS that was Lorazepam #thankfook.
(If your reading this and about to start your journey make sure you ask about that magic blue pill as soon as you start to get any pre-treatment nausea or anxiety, it just makes the whole process that bit more doable.)

It's only now in writing this that I am realising just how hard it was to keep my head in check and that actually I was just powering through, not really absorbing the trauma I was experiencing every other Wednesday. The toxicity of the drugs they were pumping through my ever shrinking veins.
Chemo is a total fucktard (sorry for the swears mum) but it is and I can't sugar coat it, its one of the hardest things a human being has the displeasure of going through, physically and mentally it slowly gets you down no matter how possi you intend to be, it will break you at some point BUT it will also make you the most bitchin badass you have ever been too, because if you can get through that shit then you can do whatever the hell you want from there too.
Don’t be scared, it's ok not to be ok, reach out to people you know who have been through it, get on social media and follow others in your situation, you won’t believe the amazing networks that are out there and trust me when I say they WILL help you. Being able to read other people’s stories, join networks of fellow Cancer Queens and listen to Podcasts of those who have been and possibly still are will honestly be the best form of therapy you can ask for when you are tied to your bedroom for days on end. A connection to the outside world is what kept me sane. #cancer #hodgkinslyphoma #chemotherapy #chemocombat #chemorealities #chemosymptoms #anticipatorynasea #lorazipam #gettingtheallclear #cancerfree #reachout #cancercommunity #podcasts #youmeandthebigc
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